It is hard to keep smiling if troubles are at hand. It is hard to feel alright, even though everything went wrong. Why is my life like this? Everything is cruel at me. Every time I go home from school, I think it is better not to go home. My parents always welcome me with their arguments. When I hear those words they say, I think it is hard for them to feed and provide our needs. “Why?” Is it because, they don’t have enough money to sustain our needs or it’s just because, they don’t have it at all? I just don’t mind their quarrellings. I just go to a corner and show to them that I am okay. At night time, I can’t sleep, thinking those words on my head. Everything is bothering me.
When I woke up in the morning, I right away rush going to the bathroom, eat breakfast, comb my hair, and fix myself for school. As I go out the house and close the door, I feel like a little bit better. Especially as I enter the school, and then I saw my friends- Janrey, Janelle, Jurrine, and Irene, I feel comfortable. I feel like I have no problem anymore. But it’s only what I think. When we are all together, we always share our insights.
When I face my friends, I show to them that I am happy, that I am alright. I act like I have no problem in the family. But deep inside me is a crying soul, a soul which needs the pure and instant laughter, a natural smile. ‘Yes’. It is true. It’s hard to act as a happy person if you aren’t really happy at all.
I think I have the entire problem in the world. Do you know? I really feel pity at my parents sometimes. I know they are doing everything for us and for my other siblings. There are times when they don’t have money for my baon. If I am not in the mood, I mock and blame them. But if I am, again and again, I say ‘it’s alright’.
Don’t you ever feel like this? The feeling wherein your heart is being crumpled? The feeling where devils are teasing you?
For my links and other acquaintances, I am happy at all times. Because they just see my outside face, the second me, the fake ones. I know they always see a natural smile from me, but it’s just on their own eyes. I feel shame when they see me crying because I have thousands of problems. I am afraid they can see the real me- the one who had the expression of grief.
Problems are surrounding me, and they all do not know that. My family is financially going down right now
Yes, my life is like this. There is too much to pretend. At times, I am happy, and occasionally I feel heartbreaking. But, I know, I am still very lucky, I have my family and my friends.
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